Ethel & Ida
“Fine,
but I get to pay tomorrow.” Ethel
stammered. Dr. Jenkins could see
the soft particles of ham drooping from her lips. The weathered old lady had about as much education as a
caged rat and her crazy bat of a friend, Ida, seemed to be the cheese at the
end of the maze. Both curdled and
aged, her life had become one of waiting for the game to end.
“How
much do you reckon this meal costs?”
It was Ethel’s turn to be stupid.
“I figure about ten dollars each or so.”
“No
way you crazy old lady! I’ve never
had a meal that costs more than three dollars. Even when that handsome millionaire brought me out to lunch
back in Hollywood.” Dr. Jenkins
groaned. That little farm whore
had been the talk of the town in Nimrod, North Dakota, but dating in Hollywood
was not in her past. I swear
she gets more demented by the minute.
“What
the hell are you talking about?
You never went to Hollywood.
The only multi anything you ever dated was that country boy Tommy Walker
and that was because he had multiple diseases.” Ethel was getting heated now and her wheelchair was
beginning to quake beneath her. Of
course she had forgotten to put the brakes on.
“Ethel! Calm down! You are going to go rolling right out the door if you aren’t
careful. Remember what happened
last week when you rolled right back into the kitchen. All that Jell-O all over your
head. We had to wash that fluffy
mess until we were blue in the face and it still has a pink tint.” Dr. Jenkins was moving as fast as he
could towards the battered old women his heart beginning to pump with
adrenaline.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!” She had begun to roll. Flying faster and faster, the chair
flew back as if some magnetic force had drawn her in. The white stalkings that ran up her legs were sticking
straight out as her legs flew out in front of her. The long flowered dress that she was wearing blew up
revealing the unpleasant sight of the underwear below.
“Damn!” Dr. Jenkins flinched in horror.
“HA
HA HA HA HA!” Ida’s laughter had
begun to flow out across the room.
“Serves you right, picking on me like you do. There you go rolling away. That is God’s punishment for all your insults!” Ethel hit the wall with sudden
force. Her wheel chair rocked
forward and teetered on its front wheels before settling down on all four. She sat with her pink hair plastered
against the wall and her thick eyeglasses hung from her ears beneath her
chin. Her face was drawn into a
look of horror. Slowly her lips
began to curl up into a satisfied smile.
“God
almighty! That was the most
amazing thing I have ever done.
Ida, give yourself a good push and come join me!” Ethel clapped her hands with joy.
“One
minute there, Ethel! I still need
to pay the bill for our lunch. You
don’t want to have to do dishes do you?
The police don’t look kindly on folks who walk away from their
tabs.” Dr. Jenkins could not
believe what he was hearing. Not
only were these crazy ladies going to be doing a wheelchair derby right here in
the middle of the cafeteria, but they still wanted to pay for the cafeteria
food. Rubbing his temples he
slowly set his pale eyes on Ida and moved briskly towards her side of the
table.
“Dear,
you don’t pay for your food here, remember. It is all included in your monthly rent.” As he spoke, he slid his hand down the
side of her wheelchair and set the small hand brake on the wheel. “Why don’t you just finish up that meal
there and then we’ll be getting the cards out for bridge in a little while
here?”
Ida’s eyes
flickered up towards him and she burst out laughing, “Of course we have to pay,
you crazy man! A young whipper
snapper like you is not going to tell me lies just to get a rise.” Patiently, Dr. Jenkins set his hand on
her shoulder and gave her a minute to process the idea of not paying. Slowly a look of understanding washed
across her face, dulling her smile and causing her eyes to divert towards the
floor. “Damnit! Sorry Leroy. Is this something new you are trying?”
Dr. Jenkins rolled
his eyes and walked away. It was
time for some whiskey and a smoke.
Just as he reached the door a screeching noise rang out from the other
side of the room. Spinning on his
heel, he looked back just in time to see Old Man Walker come sharply to a stop
in front of Ida, his electric Hover Round wheelchair smoking as the wheels
burned off a layer of rubber.
“What’s fer
lunch? It better not be any more
of them beans they had last week.
They set me up for a nice evening in the can!” Old Man Walker’s eyes were darting from side to side and he
licked his lips anxiously. One
single hair stuck straight up on the top of his head, tall and proud. The oldest member of the home by more
than 10 years, he was undoubtedly the funniest, most brilliant man Dr. Jenkins
had ever worked with. A former
member of the Army Corp of Engineers, he could take apart and put back together
any piece of equipment in the place.
His Hover Round wheelchair was a perfect example as he had modified it
using the engine of a small all terrain vehicle he had found out in the old
garage on the property. On the
long straight away before the cafeteria, he could easily reach speeds of 25
miles per hour.
“How many times
have I told you to slow that thing down?
You are going to kill someone!”
As soon as the last words left his lips, Dr. Jenkins knew that he had
made a mistake. Before he could
even mutter a quick reversal, Old Man Walker was wheezing with laughter.
“Kill
someone? Kill someone? HA! You mean to tell me that there is a way for me to get out of
here sooner. If I kill myself in
this cursed thing? All right,
let’s give it a go! HA! HA!” Old Man Walker’s cracking voice echoed throughout the
room. Pretty soon Ethel and Ida
had joined in and the laughter sounded like an oxygen tank laden comedy
club. Motioning to one of the
other workers, Dr. Jenkins spun back around and headed out the door. Just as he rounded the first corner
towards his office, an exasperated voice that he recognized as Ethel’s flooded
down the hall after him. “Wait! We still haven’t paid you for lunch!”
These old people
were crazy!
Once situated
inside his small corner office, he bent down, slid open the bottom drawer and
removed a bottle of vintage whisky.
The sharp burn of the liquid on his throat calmed his nerves and allowed
him to finally relax enough to laugh about the scene that had just unfolded before
him. Chuckling to himself, he
lifted up the outside cover of Ethel’s log book and jotted down the notes about
the lunch time fiasco. He made a
note to allow her to bring money to the cafeteria so she could fake pay for her
meals so that he wouldn’t have to listen to that whole conversation again. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of
it earlier. You live and you learn.
Closing her book he made the same notes in Ida’s and then made an entry
in Old Man Walker’s to scale down that engine a little when he was taking his
afternoon nap. He would have to
have one of the boys help him with that one.
Downing the last
of his whiskey, he stood from his desk.
It was time to face the old birds again. Still laughing to himself and thinking of the look on Ethel’s
face when she hit the wall, he climbed the stairs to the roof to enjoy a
cigarette with Mertle.
“Hey there
Mertle! How’s the air today?”
“Dry! It is always dry. My lungs feel like they could
explode.” Her cracking voice was
easy to recognize. Mertle was the
only member of the Country Time Nursing Facility that was allowed to
smoke. She didn’t smoke tobacco
though.
“Could have something to do with that
joint in your hand.” He grinned at
her, knowing full well she wouldn’t be able to see him. Mertle lifted her hand so her fingers
extended towards the sky and dropped all of them but the middle one, her common
response to any sort of ridicule.
She lifted her walking stick and swung it haphazardly in the direction
of Dr. Jenkins, but missed by more than three feet. The glaucoma had set in a long while back and her vision was
now almost completely gone. The
weed helped though and that was why they let her smoke.
“Its gonna
rain.” Mertle predicted this
outcome daily and was only right on the days when it did rain. Her mind was beginning to go a little
like they do when you get old, and she was convinced that it was always cloudy
out. She didn’t have enough sense
to realize that this was because of her vision being blurred.
“Yeah, it might
today, although right now there is not a cloud in the sky.” Dr. Jenkins used his common response to
her statement.
“Hell! You always say that. You going in Doc?” She dropped the roach in her hand and
let it smoke until it went out.
She couldn’t have aimed well enough to squish it if she were given a 10-foot
wide rock to drop.
Dr.
Jenkins threw his cigarette to the ground and smashed it with his heel. “Sure am, let’s go.” He gently grabbed Mertle’s elbow and
guided her towards the elevator.
She smiled gratefully, moving her stick in front of her as she walked.
“I
really do hate this thing” she whined.
“I
know, but it’s my orders, so just go ahead and give it a try.” The orderly that had been sent up the
roof with her, joined them on the elevator. When they reached the mail level, the orderly took Dr.
Jenkins place at Mertle’s elbow and helped her to her room. It was time for her to pass out and it
was best she did it in there where no one could mess with her. Dr. Jenkins moved his long lanky legs
in the direction of the cafeteria.
It was time to check on the crazy ladies.
They
called themselves the Gucci Grandmas.
There had been more of them once, but the natural disaster of death had
taken all but Ida and Ethel. It
was fun when they were all around actually. A bunch of old ladies that loved to shop, travel and pretty
much just raise hell. They would
go gambling at one of the casinos or take a cruise to the Caribbean where they
would just sit and drink their ninety-pound bodies into oblivion. Dr. Jenkins had witnessed the six
ladies consume three gallons of screwdrivers near the pool on a cruise ship in
the south pacific. That was a
great trip! Their families had
paid him a lot of money to travel along with them as one of the ladies, Judy
who was now dead, had been pretty sick at the time. He had agreed, not really knowing what he was getting
himself into.
“Leroy?” Ida was the only one who ever called
him that. His real first name was
John, but somehow she had gotten the wrong idea a long time ago. He didn’t care though. It was more work to correct her mistake
than it was to just go along with it.
“Yes,
Ida. How may I help you this fine
day?” He turned towards the far
wall where Ida, Ethel and Old Man Walker were huddled around something laying
on the ground. “What’s going on
over there?”
“Hub
cap fell off.” Old Man Walker
showed real concern as he strained to try to pick up the object on the ground.
“Sit
back there, Wally! You are going
to fall out of that chair!” Dr.
Jenkins picked up his speed and raced towards the old man. It was an unfortunate name Old Man
Walker’s parents had given him, Wally Walker. It had been a sensitive subject in the sessions between Dr.
Jenkins and Wally. It was
understood throughout the facility that you weren’t supposed to say both Wally
and Walker at the same time.
As
the doctor grew closer to Old Man Walker’s side, he saw that in fact there was
a hub cap lying on the ground. “I
told you Wally, this thing was never going to stay on that chair of yours. You made me order it up for you,
special order I might add, and now there it goes falling off. You should have used better glue.”
“Doc,
sit on my big toe and spin! Just
get your young, out of shape ass over here and pick it up for me.” His single hair was now visibly
twitching as he shook about violently in his seat.
“Okay,
okay.” Dr. Jenkins reached the
circle of wheel chairs, bent down and picked up the shining metal hubcap. Old Man Walker grabbed it hurriedly out
of his hands, backed up his chair, screeched his tires and tore off down the
hallway towards his room, causing Dr. Jenkins to scramble out of the way. Ida and Ethel screeched with enjoyment.
“Woo
Hoo! That man is something
else. It is a wonder he doesn’t
have the ladies lining up at his front door. Or his only door I guess in his case.” Ida was clapping her hands against her
legs and bouncing up and down in her chair.
“What
are you talking about you old bat?
You were outside his door just the other night, trying to get inside to
have a little late night frenzy.”
Ethel was glaring in Ida’s direction with conviction.
“I
was not. I demand you take that
back, Ethel Ann. You know for
certain I was not at that man’s door.
I was over with Billy Brown on the west wing.” Dr. Jenkins swung his head around and squared off against
Ida.
“You
were where? Did you say something
about Billy Brown?” His eyes
flashed with anger and his voice sounded as if it were quaking on the edge of
explosion.
“You
heard me! I sure was! This is not a prison and I can go
wherever I damn well please! A
girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.”
Her voice was stretching now.
He had to calm down. She
was about to explode and her coughing fits would have them all up for the
entire night if she did.
“Alright
Ida, lets go to my office and talk about this. You know the rules and we need to just chat, don’t worry I’m
not mad anymore.” His voice seemed
to calm her a bit, but he could tell she would be in a bit of a tiff all
afternoon. He wished he had drunk
more than one glass of whiskey.
Signaling to a group of young orderlies lounging and being otherwise
worthless, he got someone to bring Ethel back to her room. Pushing Ida towards his office, the
light reflecting off her pink tinted hair, he smiled. This was going to be an interesting conversation. Exactly the one he had been waiting
for.
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