Ear to Heart to Funny Bone: 2013

An article I wrote for camp...thoughts?

I would be willing to bet that most of our camp parents have attended parent-teacher conferences with some regularity. You have sat across the table from a variety of dedicated teachers that have offered advice on how to help your kids improve math, science, reading and writing skills. You have listened to accomplishments, goals and expectations. For some parents this can be an extremely rewarding conversation. One that makes you pat yourself on the back and say, “Yes, my kid is going to make it.” For others of you, this quarterly conversation can come with a lot of anxiety. Perhaps school isn’t going as well as you would like for your kid. You may be left scratching your head and saying “what is my kid doing wrong?” What if there was something else on that report card? Something that you could work on without the use of books or chalk boards or overhead projectors?

Paul Tough, author of How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, suggests that schools should be doing just that (and don’t worry, some are). They should be offering kids a “character report card”. That parents, school officials, teachers and kids should be in a constant conversation about how well kids are learning to cope with adversity, make friends, work through problems and my favorite – exhibit grit. Mr. Tough argues that in order for kids to truly succeed in life they need to find safe ways to do what every parent (and anyone else that loves kids) find it hard to do – fail.

Mr. Tough writes, “For many of us, character refers to something innate and unchanging, a core set of attributes that define one’s very essence. {Researchers} Seligman and Peterson defined character in a different way: a set of abilities or strengths that are very much changeable — entirely malleable, in fact. They are skills you can learn; they are skills you can practice; and they are skills you can teach”.

I recently had the opportunity to see Paul Tough speak at the American Camp Association (ACA) annual conference in Dallas, TX and what struck me while listening to him talk was that camp is exactly the place that offers all of the things he is talking about. Plainly put our kids “fail” on a daily basis. They don’t win sailing races, they don’t quite get enough points for an award in archery, they disagree with a cabinmate and the event they plan for a group of younger kids is a complete disaster. Sometimes they go days or even weeks without earning a single award or accomplishing a tangible accolade.

I, not once, but twice have worked with a kid that has tried to get up on skis and/or wakeboards countless times with no success (don’t worry, the kids counted). 200 times of thinking they are going to accomplish something and “failing”. 90 times of having the “embarrassment” of falling, quite literally, on their face in front of a group of “accomplished” peers. But they tried. They tried very hard. And was there disappointment sometimes? Yes. Was there a feeling of “failure” on occasion? Of course. And not just my poor skiers. All the kids.

So what made it all worthwhile? On the 97^th and 211^th try respectively, the world stopped spinning. The water felt a little warmer and the sun shined a little brighter. And I’m serious. No kidding. The faces of those kids could have stopped an army. One of the kids got so excited she flung her arms in the air and let go. Her jubilance literally propelled her out of her skis. Shortest, successful run of skiing ever.

That grit, that determination, that ability to fail and fail and fail is exactly why we, “camp people”, do what we do. It may not be what we are supposed to tell the parents of our campers, but we love to see kids fail. So when the report cards from the school year are hung on the fridge and the bags are packed for camp we ask you to turn your attention towards the other report card - the one that lists creativity, worldliness, kindness, teamwork and of course, grit.

And it is our promise to you as camp parents that we will do everything we can to help your kids fail this summer. The best part about that failure - they are going to have a blast doing it.

Ethel & Ida

“It’s my turn to pay!” Ida’s sharp southern tongue flared out around the room. “My whole life, you’ve been paying and by God it is my turn.” Ethel snapped a fiery glare her direction and continued to swirl the creamed ham around in her mouth. Dr. Jenkins groaned in distress. This has to be at least the fifth time this week this argument crawled into their conversation. Too bad neither of them had paid for lunch in at least ten years.

“Fine, but I get to pay tomorrow.” Ethel stammered. Dr. Jenkins could see the soft particles of ham drooping from her lips. The weathered old lady had about as much education as a caged rat and her crazy bat of a friend, Ida, seemed to be the cheese at the end of the maze. Both curdled and aged, her life had become one of waiting for the game to end.

“How much do you reckon this meal costs?” It was Ethel’s turn to be stupid. “I figure about ten dollars each or so.”

“No way you crazy old lady! I’ve never had a meal that costs more than three dollars. Even when that handsome millionaire brought me out to lunch back in Hollywood.” Dr. Jenkins groaned. That little farm whore had been the talk of the town in Nimrod, North Dakota, but dating in Hollywood was not in her past. I swear she gets more demented by the minute.

“What the hell are you talking about? You never went to Hollywood. The only multi anything you ever dated was that country boy Tommy Walker and that was because he had multiple diseases.” Ethel was getting heated now and her wheelchair was beginning to quake beneath her. Of course she had forgotten to put the brakes on.

“Ethel! Calm down! You are going to go rolling right out the door if you aren’t careful. Remember what happened last week when you rolled right back into the kitchen. All that Jell-O all over your head. We had to wash that fluffy mess until we were blue in the face and it still has a pink tint.” Dr. Jenkins was moving as fast as he could towards the battered old women his heart beginning to pump with adrenaline.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh!!” She had begun to roll. Flying faster and faster, the chair flew back as if some magnetic force had drawn her in. The white stalkings that ran up her legs were sticking straight out as her legs flew out in front of her. The long flowered dress that she was wearing blew up revealing the unpleasant sight of the underwear below.

“Damn!” Dr. Jenkins flinched in horror.

“HA HA HA HA HA!” Ida’s laughter had begun to flow out across the room. “Serves you right, picking on me like you do. There you go rolling away. That is God’s punishment for all your insults!” Ethel hit the wall with sudden force. Her wheel chair rocked forward and teetered on its front wheels before settling down on all four. She sat with her pink hair plastered against the wall and her thick eyeglasses hung from her ears beneath her chin. Her face was drawn into a look of horror. Slowly her lips began to curl up into a satisfied smile.

“God almighty! That was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Ida, give yourself a good push and come join me!” Ethel clapped her hands with joy.

“One minute there, Ethel! I still need to pay the bill for our lunch. You don’t want to have to do dishes do you? The police don’t look kindly on folks who walk away from their tabs.” Dr. Jenkins could not believe what he was hearing. Not only were these crazy ladies going to be doing a wheelchair derby right here in the middle of the cafeteria, but they still wanted to pay for the cafeteria food. Rubbing his temples he slowly set his pale eyes on Ida and moved briskly towards her side of the table.

“Dear, you don’t pay for your food here, remember. It is all included in your monthly rent.” As he spoke, he slid his hand down the side of her wheelchair and set the small hand brake on the wheel. “Why don’t you just finish up that meal there and then we’ll be getting the cards out for bridge in a little while here?”

Ida’s eyes flickered up towards him and she burst out laughing, “Of course we have to pay, you crazy man! A young whipper snapper like you is not going to tell me lies just to get a rise.” Patiently, Dr. Jenkins set his hand on her shoulder and gave her a minute to process the idea of not paying. Slowly a look of understanding washed across her face, dulling her smile and causing her eyes to divert towards the floor. “Damnit! Sorry Leroy. Is this something new you are trying?”

Dr. Jenkins rolled his eyes and walked away. It was time for some whiskey and a smoke. Just as he reached the door a screeching noise rang out from the other side of the room. Spinning on his heel, he looked back just in time to see Old Man Walker come sharply to a stop in front of Ida, his electric Hover Round wheelchair smoking as the wheels burned off a layer of rubber.

“What’s fer lunch? It better not be any more of them beans they had last week. They set me up for a nice evening in the can!” Old Man Walker’s eyes were darting from side to side and he licked his lips anxiously. One single hair stuck straight up on the top of his head, tall and proud. The oldest member of the home by more than 10 years, he was undoubtedly the funniest, most brilliant man Dr. Jenkins had ever worked with. A former member of the Army Corp of Engineers, he could take apart and put back together any piece of equipment in the place. His Hover Round wheelchair was a perfect example as he had modified it using the engine of a small all terrain vehicle he had found out in the old garage on the property. On the long straight away before the cafeteria, he could easily reach speeds of 25 miles per hour.

“How many times have I told you to slow that thing down? You are going to kill someone!” As soon as the last words left his lips, Dr. Jenkins knew that he had made a mistake. Before he could even mutter a quick reversal, Old Man Walker was wheezing with laughter.

“Kill someone? Kill someone? HA! You mean to tell me that there is a way for me to get out of here sooner. If I kill myself in this cursed thing? All right, let’s give it a go! HA! HA!” Old Man Walker’s cracking voice echoed throughout the room. Pretty soon Ethel and Ida had joined in and the laughter sounded like an oxygen tank laden comedy club. Motioning to one of the other workers, Dr. Jenkins spun back around and headed out the door. Just as he rounded the first corner towards his office, an exasperated voice that he recognized as Ethel’s flooded down the hall after him. “Wait! We still haven’t paid you for lunch!”

These old people were crazy!

Once situated inside his small corner office, he bent down, slid open the bottom drawer and removed a bottle of vintage whisky. The sharp burn of the liquid on his throat calmed his nerves and allowed him to finally relax enough to laugh about the scene that had just unfolded before him. Chuckling to himself, he lifted up the outside cover of Ethel’s log book and jotted down the notes about the lunch time fiasco. He made a note to allow her to bring money to the cafeteria so she could fake pay for her meals so that he wouldn’t have to listen to that whole conversation again. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t thought of it earlier. You live and you learn. Closing her book he made the same notes in Ida’s and then made an entry in Old Man Walker’s to scale down that engine a little when he was taking his afternoon nap. He would have to have one of the boys help him with that one.

Downing the last of his whiskey, he stood from his desk. It was time to face the old birds again. Still laughing to himself and thinking of the look on Ethel’s face when she hit the wall, he climbed the stairs to the roof to enjoy a cigarette with Mertle.

“Hey there Mertle! How’s the air today?”

“Dry! It is always dry. My lungs feel like they could explode.” Her cracking voice was easy to recognize. Mertle was the only member of the Country Time Nursing Facility that was allowed to smoke. She didn’t smoke tobacco though.

“Could have something to do with that joint in your hand.” He grinned at her, knowing full well she wouldn’t be able to see him. Mertle lifted her hand so her fingers extended towards the sky and dropped all of them but the middle one, her common response to any sort of ridicule. She lifted her walking stick and swung it haphazardly in the direction of Dr. Jenkins, but missed by more than three feet. The glaucoma had set in a long while back and her vision was now almost completely gone. The weed helped though and that was why they let her smoke.

“Its gonna rain.” Mertle predicted this outcome daily and was only right on the days when it did rain. Her mind was beginning to go a little like they do when you get old, and she was convinced that it was always cloudy out. She didn’t have enough sense to realize that this was because of her vision being blurred.

“Yeah, it might today, although right now there is not a cloud in the sky.” Dr. Jenkins used his common response to her statement.

“Hell! You always say that. You going in Doc?” She dropped the roach in her hand and let it smoke until it went out. She couldn’t have aimed well enough to squish it if she were given a 10-foot wide rock to drop.

Dr. Jenkins threw his cigarette to the ground and smashed it with his heel. “Sure am, let’s go.” He gently grabbed Mertle’s elbow and guided her towards the elevator. She smiled gratefully, moving her stick in front of her as she walked.

“I really do hate this thing” she whined.

“I know, but it’s my orders, so just go ahead and give it a try.” The orderly that had been sent up the roof with her, joined them on the elevator. When they reached the mail level, the orderly took Dr. Jenkins place at Mertle’s elbow and helped her to her room. It was time for her to pass out and it was best she did it in there where no one could mess with her. Dr. Jenkins moved his long lanky legs in the direction of the cafeteria. It was time to check on the crazy ladies.

They called themselves the Gucci Grandmas. There had been more of them once, but the natural disaster of death had taken all but Ida and Ethel. It was fun when they were all around actually. A bunch of old ladies that loved to shop, travel and pretty much just raise hell. They would go gambling at one of the casinos or take a cruise to the Caribbean where they would just sit and drink their ninety-pound bodies into oblivion. Dr. Jenkins had witnessed the six ladies consume three gallons of screwdrivers near the pool on a cruise ship in the south pacific. That was a great trip! Their families had paid him a lot of money to travel along with them as one of the ladies, Judy who was now dead, had been pretty sick at the time. He had agreed, not really knowing what he was getting himself into.

“Leroy?” Ida was the only one who ever called him that. His real first name was John, but somehow she had gotten the wrong idea a long time ago. He didn’t care though. It was more work to correct her mistake than it was to just go along with it.

“Yes, Ida. How may I help you this fine day?” He turned towards the far wall where Ida, Ethel and Old Man Walker were huddled around something laying on the ground. “What’s going on over there?”

“Hub cap fell off.” Old Man Walker showed real concern as he strained to try to pick up the object on the ground.

“Sit back there, Wally! You are going to fall out of that chair!” Dr. Jenkins picked up his speed and raced towards the old man. It was an unfortunate name Old Man Walker’s parents had given him, Wally Walker. It had been a sensitive subject in the sessions between Dr. Jenkins and Wally. It was understood throughout the facility that you weren’t supposed to say both Wally and Walker at the same time.

As the doctor grew closer to Old Man Walker’s side, he saw that in fact there was a hub cap lying on the ground. “I told you Wally, this thing was never going to stay on that chair of yours. You made me order it up for you, special order I might add, and now there it goes falling off. You should have used better glue.”

“Doc, sit on my big toe and spin! Just get your young, out of shape ass over here and pick it up for me.” His single hair was now visibly twitching as he shook about violently in his seat.

“Okay, okay.” Dr. Jenkins reached the circle of wheel chairs, bent down and picked up the shining metal hubcap. Old Man Walker grabbed it hurriedly out of his hands, backed up his chair, screeched his tires and tore off down the hallway towards his room, causing Dr. Jenkins to scramble out of the way. Ida and Ethel screeched with enjoyment.

“Woo Hoo! That man is something else. It is a wonder he doesn’t have the ladies lining up at his front door. Or his only door I guess in his case.” Ida was clapping her hands against her legs and bouncing up and down in her chair.

“What are you talking about you old bat? You were outside his door just the other night, trying to get inside to have a little late night frenzy.” Ethel was glaring in Ida’s direction with conviction.

“I was not. I demand you take that back, Ethel Ann. You know for certain I was not at that man’s door. I was over with Billy Brown on the west wing.” Dr. Jenkins swung his head around and squared off against Ida.

“You were where? Did you say something about Billy Brown?” His eyes flashed with anger and his voice sounded as if it were quaking on the edge of explosion.

“You heard me! I sure was! This is not a prison and I can go wherever I damn well please! A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.” Her voice was stretching now. He had to calm down. She was about to explode and her coughing fits would have them all up for the entire night if she did.

“Alright Ida, lets go to my office and talk about this. You know the rules and we need to just chat, don’t worry I’m not mad anymore.” His voice seemed to calm her a bit, but he could tell she would be in a bit of a tiff all afternoon. He wished he had drunk more than one glass of whiskey. Signaling to a group of young orderlies lounging and being otherwise worthless, he got someone to bring Ethel back to her room. Pushing Ida towards his office, the light reflecting off her pink tinted hair, he smiled. This was going to be an interesting conversation. Exactly the one he had been waiting for.

Ear to Heart to Funny Bone

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Number 13

Monday, February 25, 2013

Number 12

Monday, February 11, 2013

Number 11

Number 10

Monday, February 4, 2013

Number 9

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Number 8

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Number 7

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Number 6